i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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