Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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