ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
