I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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