Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
