Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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