Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
