okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I AM VODKA MAN
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
