Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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