You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
