I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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