My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
