I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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