My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
