she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
