1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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