She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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