i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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