I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
