Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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