____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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