i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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