It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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