i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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