I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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