is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
