I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
