chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
