Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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