Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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