The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
