If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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