last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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