The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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