so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
How does it feel to date your dad?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
