I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
