I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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