dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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