That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
