life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
