woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
