Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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