I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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