it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
