someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
