Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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