I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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