The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
