Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Success! We fucked roommates!
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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