I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
