If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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