I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
