hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
